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Thursday, August 12, 2010

She drives me crazy.

Sometimes, I feel that I am not justified in leaving. I will be gone and maybe there is a chance to be happy out there. But what would make me happy is right here. Probably just getting home now, if she worked. Sleeping perhaps. Who knows. I wish, more than anything, that I was a different person, different body, and different mind or at least something that she saw me for that at least warranted her interest.

Love is a terrible thing. I don't even like to say it anymore. It burns the cusp of my tongue as the word leaves my mouth. It's a sickening feeling to think that I've struggled so very long and I am still alone in life. Not just romantically, but intellectually and spiritually. The one thing that always did make me the slightest bit grounded and the slightest bit happy was thinking of her and being around her. Is that sad? Or is it wonderful? I can't tell the difference.

I know that if I stay here, I'll have to watch her marry and love someone else. That feeling does not scare me, per se, but I know that it is a hell that will never leave my mind. Yet, at the very same time, the only thing I long for is for her to be happy? Silly. Silly and frightening. I have a feeling that it will never be with me. I have all the evidence that points to that. If I am not meant to be alone forever, then why have I felt that way for so long?

I know inside me, I have the capabilities to be a greater person, a better person. But mostly, I just want that person to drown in there. I dislike being the bigger individual. It's getting harder and harder for me to say "I'm happy for you." as my friends marry, have families, move on. It's not even the marriage thing that bothers me, it's the feeling that I will never see that kind of happiness.

I distrust the concept of life to the fullest extent. I distrust the concept of god; perhaps that is the individual that could be blamed? but even in my state, I cast blame on no one but me. Life is a cruel fate. If there is a hell, I am surely in it. And even when I leave...I know that, by word of mouth, I'll know how happy she will become with someone else. And I know that I'll be buried in a book, in a song, or a bottle, or some for of escape that has quit working long before that moment.