Relationships.

When I think back to the girls I have been in love with, I realize they have all moved on with assholes, cheaters, morons and imbeciles. It's ironic that I felt I was not good enough or that I lacked something. I know that I have my flaws, and when you are trying to date someone, sometimes the flaws are all they try and see. But as long as I have felt that I was the problem, seeing the outcome, perhaps it wasn't me after all. They've surely had people they've compared me to let them down and cheat and lie to them. So, the question is, what, exactly, was I being compared to?  

It's easy to look at the situation they are in and revel in it. To some degree I do, but I don't feel any better about the bad things that have happened to them. And the ones that I have "loved," I think the same is true for anyone: I carry little pieces inside of me that cut like knives (I know what you were talking about, Bryan Adams!) when I see them or hear them. I tend to avoid them for that reason. I'm not sure that I'm really out of love or in love. But there is something that bothers me about my past, still.

It's difficult for me to love. It has to do with how things turned out, or the things that were said that eventually got back to me, or the harsh realities that were set in, or finding out that I was just kept around as a backup plan. My love life has been a terrible mark on my past. I've never been able to hold a relationship long or impress someone enough during a date. As a result, I have an emotional disconnect from humanity, which makes it even harder to do anything more than go through the motions. Complicated by the fact that I purposely stay busy to avoid such decisions or impulses, I think I wont ever get it figured out.

Now, it may sound like I blame the women I dated or tried to date. I don't. The blame is in the mirror. There are a lot of things that I would do differently but that boils down to the fact that I am different. I still keep my imagination, I still hold on to child-like qualities. I have no intention of ever being deemed an outstanding member of society. I enjoy the mischief I occasionally get into. I don't fit into the molds women have set for me. I'm not handsome, I'm not a cowboy, and I'm not James Dean. But like James Dean, I am a rebel, someone that sees things for what they are and I have a brutal case of honesty. This is all a result of my past and my failures that have made me who I am. I am a decent guy who just happens to be devoid of a lot of societal bullshit.

I've spent a lot of my time in life observing people. There are a few reasons for this: I don't trust them, I don't like them, and I am just that curious. What makes me most curious about their lives is how they conduct their own relationships. I see intelligent, mature women fall into the same pitfalls as a young, naive girls for little reason other than they just want to be told that they're beautiful. And I see guys taking advantage of this...because...well, it's easy to do. Tell them what they want to hear, it's the oldest trick in the book. You can be in bed with anyone in as little as 3 months. Tried and true.

This is all because people have made their relationships into a game they play. Scores are tallied both positive and negative. And few people are willing to wake up. Time doesn't make things better. I see a lot of women who hold off dating someone for months if not years because the last relationship didn't work out, only to end up going down the same road. Guys have this "warrior" culture when it comes to sex. Peer pressure and stupidity seems to have a huge influence over today's young men. Our pop culture doesn't make it any better.

I don't wish ill on the women I loved. I do wish them the best, despite how I was made to feel or what was said. I won't lie and say I'm happy with how things ended up...but I am happy with other things in my life. I'm not prince charming, I'm the first to admit that and a couple of you wouldn't let me forget it. Attraction plays a huge role in the beginnings of a relationship and that's a part that I do tend to fail...yet, I have no desire to play the game as you would have expect me to play it. If you want honesty, just ask for it and hold yourself to a higher standard, albeit a rationally thought out one.

As I said, I'm no Prince Charming.... but I am King Arthur. I have my kingdom, that's more than some of you can say. This is all more than I wanted to say.