I am a different person than I was one year ago, even 5 years ago. I am comfortable with who I am, perhaps for the first time in my life. I've always fought a war between who I am and who I wanted to be. I have not lived a very comfortable life. I've had to fight for the few things I do have and though, I may come across as an opinionated asshole quite a bit, I'm not that person all of the time. I come across that way because it's in my demeanor and I'm use to the conflict and my mouth has yet to be disciplined.
When I graduated High School, which seems like ages ago, It seems like I was expected to know who I was and what to do. I was very far from knowing both of those things. I was just as lost as I was found. I got a job, took a few classes and ended up with nothing really to show for it. I was in love with someone who was not in love with me.
I actually once pretended to be someone else on ICQ just to see how she was. I know, LAME! But it stands out and is a good story to tell...kinda. But alas, I made a lot of quick decisions running from things I should have been running to. I met a girl from Missouri(I know what you're thinking....bear with me). I went out, three times. Once for over a month. At that point, it felt like home. I felt accepted by someone for once and I thought if it crumbled, and it did crumble, I would be nobody.
It took me a long time to get over that loss. And I rushed into more crappy decisions to do so. I find it hard to be in a relationship or attempt one because of the way I treated them in the past. I'm hesitant...that's an understatement. Truth be told, I like my life as a single guy. I'm not sure I am capable of connecting...though I do not refrain from trying. I keep myself grounded in reality and I think things through a lot more so than in the past.
Through my life, I found out who my friends were, and even though I don't get to see them as much as I'd like with schedules and...just life in general, I still love them all. And I'm lucky to have met so many great people over the years that I'd call my brothers and sisters. I've been blessed with a lot of people, some I've even took for granted over the years...but I know where my place is now. And part of being here means I will never forget those who stood by me.
I know that someone is reading this and wondering: "What the fuck is the point?"
HOLD THE HELL ON! IT'S COMING!
I've done a lot of things that I do wish I could take back: rushed into things without thinking, created a persona that wasn't quite me, and placed bets on too many of the wrong cards....But here I am, 26 years old, virtually unscathed.
But I survived. I'm the person I am because of my life. I stand up on my own two feet and I'm not dependent on anyone. I'm a different sort of guy and I've embraced that. There are things that scare the shit out of me that I see in my future...but I face those things with an open mind and an open heart. I can't be a perfect person, but I don't strive for that. I strive to be a better person.
So, at the end of all this rambling, for those that made it here, I want the reader to know that you are not alone. Everyone fights a war against themselves at one time or another. Take it from one who knows; keep your head up. There are so many situations that we feel we have no control over and that feeling will tear at your foundation. Whether you're in a breakup, a midlife crisis or you're just a fool like me, you are what you FIGHT to become.
I know who I am. What I want takes a backseat to that. I stand for something, in spite of my past, so I can step in my future. I know more than anyone that he who does not fall never stands. And I want to thank anyone who has ever sent a positive vibe or prayer my way. Without you, I would not have made it.
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