She walked through the door and laid her keys and phone on the table. The brown coat slid off her arms and her shoulders felt relaxed as if she had dropped the weight of the world from them. She fell over the arm of the couch and slid comfortably into place. The house was silent, which was something she very desperately needed. Her body felt insecure laying on the couch. She felt too fat. She stared at the ceiling and felt her stomach with her hands. It suddenly stopped mattering to her and she cried a little. The lights were dim and her eyes followed the shadows they created like a foreign galaxy projected on her walls. It had been a long day.
She finally convinced herself to move. How long had it been since she was required to do nothing? A question she felt no need to answer. She rose from her stillness and her footsteps were welcome chaos on the hardwood. She slipped her shoes off and checked her text messages. They were an empty language she did not feel inclined to decipher. The phone sang its tune as she severed the power at the press of a button. The refrigerator looked tempting and she remembered strawberries and chocolate syrup. She was overwhelmed and smiled a bit.
She placed a bowl on the counter and filled it with strawberries. She poured the syrup in generous streams and made smiley faces out of meal. The Mountain Dew tickled her throat as she washed it down. Eating her feelings was one thing, but today she felt like eating her entire life away. She stopped herself at two bowls though a few more may have made her feel better. "Carnal Knowledge" she thought. Oh well.
She removed her clothing and stood in front of the mirror starting at her naked body. The air was cold and her skin became alive with goosebumps. She had felt cold all day. Summer meant nothing today for today was winter. She placed her hands on her left breast and felt. Perhaps the doctor was wrong and if she felt nothing this would all just go away. She did feel something: A small knot on the inner breast no larger than a peanut. She felt insulted something so small could destroy her in such a manner. Yesterday she was smiling and laughing with her mother on their shopping spree. Today was not that kind of day. She stood still and stared at her body. It was a strange feeling. She felt beautiful. As insecure as she had been her entire life, this naked body, a stranger's body, was beautiful. It couldn't be her, she was only a passenger using another's eyes for a small moment.
She walked into the bathroom and ran a hot bath. She poured over half a 20 ounce bottle of bubble bath into the waiting pool. It's scent of mango and kiwi intoxicated her being and she gave herself freely. She turned off the faucet and placed her foot into the steaming water. The heat was a sensation, just absent a baptism. It engulfed her body like a gas fire and she felt free of her thoughts. She leaned her head back and cried some. What would she tell her mother? How would her boyfriend react? How many bills were due this month? Did she remember to set the alarm? Isn't she too young? And then her thoughts went elsewhere for a while; meadows, highways, where these things did not exist.
The water cooled in time but she wasn't aware until it was freezing. The bubbles died down and she knew it was time to get out of the tub. She dried her body and put on a robe. Her hair was stringy and curled from the water. She laid her body on her bed. It was strangely warm and comfortable. She welcomed the relief. A bottle of sleeping pills lay by the bed. She could take them all and sleep for years, wouldn't that be something? Instead, she took two and placed her head on the large pillow. As it sank into the cushioning she was sure of only one thing: tomorrow would be different.
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